Bachelor

Bach Breakdown: Colton Episode 2

Hi there Bachelor fanatics! Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Megan and I compulsively watch the Bachelor. Like, I watch an episode, immediately rewatch it, and take notes the whole time. I’m also generally a very sarcastic human, so somehow all of this turned into me writing a weekly rant digesting each Bachelor/BIP/Bachelorette episode. Tbh it’s really because I get so heated about the ridiculousness that is the Bach franchise and need a release. BUT long story short, I’ve been invited to share my monologues here on the Bach Bracket website (what a DREAM!). I don’t summarize the episodes (there are plenty of other blogs that do that, slash if you’re not watching them on your own then are you REALLY living?) but rather just share my observations. Let’s get to it.

So week 2 is here and I must say I’m very glad we’re past week 1. Like week 1 is fun and all, but I personally think that a lot of the introductions were some of the cringiest in Bach history (except Catherine’s, legends never die). Speaking of Catherine, I feel incredibly let down by ABC that we did not see more of her this week, nor were we updated on the whereabouts of Lucy the pomeranian. She has an instagram (@misslucyagro) but other than this post, she has been surprisingly silent about her temporary new life with Colton (even though he abandoned her for the camping trip). I can just imagine that some poor junior producer has been tasked with taking care of miss Lucy and is probably hating his life. Or maybe it’s the highlight of his job (it would be mine) and they’ve become besties. Or maybe Lucy has run away and is starting a new life without her crazypants owner. The possibilities are endless, but ABC is definitely doing us a disservice by not giving us an update. Riot, anyone?

On a lighter note, Cassie is a sweetheart. When she was comforting Heather about telling Colton she’s never been kissed (still very skeptical of this) I was like d’aw. She was all “telling him will strengthen your relationship” and it was v supportive. She’s also hella confident if she’s not worried that that strengthened relationship will be a threat to her. Still skeptical that Heather hasn’t been kissed though, especially because she had some intense thirst for Colton after she told him (“I thought he would maybe kiss me, but next time!”). After some sleuthing I’ve discovered that both Heather and Cassie went to Biola University in Cali and almost certainly knew each other. This is just one of many outside connections between the contestants this season (because apparently ABC has decided to target the beauty pageant circuit now).

So the first group date this week was amaze solely because it featured RON SWANSON and that gave me life (even though all of his hair is gone). However, I think this one was about as bizarre as Becca’s whole group date fiasco dubbed “Beccalection 2018”. For those of you who don’t remember, this was when the boys were in Virginia and had to debate to be Becca’s running mate and it was v heated and strange. Actually, now that I’m thinking back to it, nothing was as weird as that, but I still think the whole “share a first” thing was gross. Like hello, we know Colton is a virgin, but do we need to be making group dates centered around a pun on this? Lmk.

One person who really stood out to me in this group date was Elyse. She is the woman Colton needs (but probably won’t choose) and the Bachelorette that we deserve (but will probably never have). Also, her skin glows like a friggin angel’s and I am so jealous. Really hoping that her skincare routine is revealed at some point on the show, because that would give me life. I was also a Nicole fan before this, but I thought her choice to highlight the first time she dated a white boy (i.e. Colton) was a bit strange. In the grand scheme of things, this is like the least strange thing to happen on the show yet, so it’s whatevs. I just hope she stops crying.

Onyeka and Catherine both brought up their clash (DROWNIN IN BITCHES) and Catherine did a mic drop aka smacked over the mic stand which was just lovely. If only Lucy the pom was there. Every time Onyeka screams about drownin in bitches, or uses a noise maker, or just generally speaks, I want to crawl into a cave and never come out. I’m not sure why the producers keep giving her noise makers, but I’m not into it. The air horn (I’M HORNY) made me and my pup jump. I didn’t cry, but I wanted to. She’s probably aiming for a BIP spot, and I’d be about it if she’s not allowed to speak or make noise. Imagine how many “drownin in bitches” jokes she’d make on the effing beach. No thanks.

Thennnn there was Demi. This girl is really a hoot. Her going, “I am worth the world. I am amazing. I don’t have competition here” actually sent chills through my spine. She will be perfect for BIP if she doesn’t win this whole thing (like, let’s be real, Colton’s parents would take one look at her and lock her outside of their house in the ~Colorado snow~). She really reminds me of pre-Goose Krystal in some ways. Her forced kiss with Colton was v awk, but all the girls’ reactions made it so worth it. Side note; since when are women between the ages of 27-31 considered cougars? I get that they’re older than Colton, but they should be pumas or something, because they’re def not bold or epic enough to be considered full-coug. The exception to this is Catherine, who is definitely like 40 and was probably supposed to be on Real Housewives but ended up on the wrong set and thus is now trying to convince us that she’s a 26 year-old DJ. Another Demi/Catherine/general question I have is why do girls always feel the need to “set each other straight”? Like hello, these ladies are all crazy, you telling them that their actions are bothering people is probably just going to fuel that. Demi clearly gets off to it (which is why she decided to don a robe and give Colton a lil rub). I also loved the shade she indirectly threw at Becca and Tia via her whole “Colton hasn’t dated women who take a dominant role in the relationship” comment. The two responded on Twitter and Tia said, “I scared him into dating me for three whole days so idk what’s more dominant than that”. Bless up Tia.

Now I have to address birthday girl Hannah B’s solo-dolo date. I honestly feel really bad for her. Colton was all “she’s closed off and awkward” but like hello, she’s expected to spill her soul to someone she met approximately 4 minutes ago, who is also dating like 1000 other people, on LIVE TV?! She clearly has some self-esteem issues, and I appreciate the fact that she addressed the whole situation on her Insta. Poor girl has been on the beauty pageant circuit for a while (along with Caelynn and Hannah G) and I’m sure that messes with ya a bit. ICYMI, Hannah G is also an ex-beauty queen, but is def a little less high profile than our other two ladies. It made me lol that she told Colton she’s never spoken in front of a lot of people, but in reality she’s tried to be Miss Alabama 3 times and that requires a lot of public speaking. But I digress. The likelihood that the producers edited Hannah B to make her look as awk as possible is v high. She’s sweet, but I’m excited to see how her drama with Caelynn unfolds. I’m here for the crazy drama after all. Roll tide!

Speaking of crazy, if you haven’t read the tweets that surfaced from Tracy’s twitter account, you MUST. She’s just an awful human. We all make mistakes, but this girl’s stream of consciousness was basically documented and it’s all v ugly. Tracy’s story during group date #1 gave me literal chills; this woman is nutso. I’m glad they didn’t share her entire story because I’m pretty sure I would’ve had nightmares about her punching me in the face after… but like tbh I would love to know what caused someone to punch her because I lowkey want to as well. I love how she’s all “I probably seem like this emotionally unstable girl now” which is tearing her up inside, but like, she is an emotionally unstable girl. Don’t lie sweetie, we see you.

So I’m just going to briefly touch upon Group date #2. It was also a little weird and childish but then again so is our leading man. Billy Eichner insinuating that Colton may be the first gay bachelor was one of the most cringey awk things to happen yet. Can everyone please shut up about the fact that Colton has not screwed a woman already? It’s really old news. I thought the choice to make it a sort of faux-overnight was a fun one on ABC’s part. I love how the other girls we’re all “that’s VERY intimate” about it, but in reality the girls on the date were crammed in a cabin sleeping on bumpy cots. My under eye bags would be raging the next day. Even though Caelynn opens up to Colton about being a sick child (really did not see this coming from her) and they smooch again, Colton ends up giving the date rose to Heather (and they hug, obvi nothing more). At this point, Colton has kissed so many girls on the show that if I were Heather I’d be a little nervous about him being her first. Maybe this season will end early because everyone comes down with mono.

The cocktail party was lit per usual because all the yellow team women were flipping out about not spending enough time with Colton. I think the true tragedy of the party was that even though Onyeka didn’t blow Colton’s eardrums out with the air horn, he still had to hear her “I’m horny” joke. Even though Tracy is certified crazypants, I’m glad she’ll be around for another week. Demi tormenting her is really entertaining to me now that I know Tracy is most def a horrible person. I wasn’t sad to see Erika, Alex, Angelique, or Annie go home (though Alex looked fuego in that dress), but I’m really sad that I’ll be subjected to yet another week of Onyeka and her outbursts. What’s next, a jet engine? A TNT explosion? Only time will tell.

Colton has officially hit 1 million insta followers. I think this really is his biggest success to-date (including his professional football career). Cheers to Colton. Really looking forward to finding out why he jumps over a fence later in the season, an incident that I’ve decided to dub “Colgate 2018”. Until then, I’ll just have to settle for endless shots of him in the shower. I really hope he has a good post-shower lotion routine, otherwise his skin is probably v dry.

Bring on the drama, and bring on all the red wine and cheese I’m going to binge-consume this season. Let’s do the damn thing!

This is a guest post created by Megan McCormack. These thoughts represent their feelings about the show & are not an indication of Bach Bracket’s feelings. If you’d like to write for Bach Bracket, e-mail us at [email protected]