Bachelor

Bach Breakdown: Colton Episode 3

Helloooo Bachelor fam. I’m so incredibly sorry that my update is a wee bit late this week; I just started a new job and have been v busy and v brain mush-y. Please forgive me. Let’s get to it though.

Week 3 is here and this means we’re finally starting to get rid of the rando stragglers that none of us care about. We’ll talk about that later, but just bless up that that’s where we’re at.

So OF COURSE they put Caelynn & Alabama Hannah and Tracy & Demi all on the same group date. You would think that maybe they’d spread the two dueling groups out between the two dates to REALLY highlight the drama, but I guess they were going for a “one giant shit storm” kind of approach. This date per usual was v strange. The whole pirate shabang felt like it was straight off of some crappy cruise ship that anyone in their sane mind would never step foot on. I literally could not deal with CAPTAIN COLTON. The one SHOCKING thing was that ABC didn’t somehow make this a quest to find Colton’s v card or some ridiculous virgin pun-based journey. Bravo, ABC, you’ve matured over night! Lol yeah right. Good god, I make myself laugh sometimes.

Demi walking into this date and going, “Hello Colton, life’s greatest treasure is standing right in front of you” is the energy we all need going into Valentine’s Day season. She also throws her turkey leg at Tracy (why are they eating turkey legs?) and she hits a whole new level of entertaining for me. We are all life’s greatest treasures, don’t forget that friends. However, unlike Demi, we’re not (all) psychos. I’m sure some of you are though… I am a bit 😉

via GIPHY

Speaking of psycho, poor Alabama Hannah is really unraveling. I think Caelynn really wronged her somehow, because the type of anger and anxiety Hannah has towards her truly cannot be faked.

Alabama Hannah got to take some of her anxiety out via whacking Kirpa (who is potentially mute), Heather, and Caelynn with some giant oar-like foam thing that CLEARLY existed on a pirate ship. Someone should’ve just given her a stress ball, because watching her whack these girls was v cringey. Almost as cringey as Demi spanking Colton… poor guy was clearly so uncomfy. As soon as Tracy popped up on the screen in her red blazer, I immediately was like CRUELA DE VIL! It’s so perf, also her forehead doesn’t move and I’m a little scared about it.

Caption this!

“As soon as this is over and Colton and I are married, I’m shipping that brat Demi off to boarding school in Iceland!”

Heather never-been-kissed totallyyyy convinced Alabama Hannah to tell Colton all about how horrible Caelynn is, probably knowing that he would find it v unattractive. At first I thought Caelynn was rising above by not trash talking Hannah immediately, but she waited until she secured the rose and then went for it later on. Smart move, Caelynn. Colton walking out and grabbing the rose and storming away with it actually had me feelin #shook though, which at this point I thought I was immune to from this show. It was amaze.

Now we go to Elyse who gets the one-on-one date because she 10000% deserves it. I think Colton picking her for the solo date was the smartest decision he’s made in his entire life. I’m convinced of this. Holding onto his v-card to the point where it’s become the center of an entire television series was def the dumbest. On the other hand, I’m really not sure why Elyse is here. I don’t picture her on BIP, so maybe it’s to get a skinny-tea endorsement deal like every other female in this franchise. Jk, she’s too good for that. She was amaze with the kids obvi, but I would’ve killed to see Demi or Heather on this date. Can you imagine Demi with the children? From the children’s’ sake, I don’t want to. Elyse opens up about her sister passing away (which was v sad) and Colton obvi loves this because for some reason going through a trauma and sharing it with him is like his #1 requirement for love.

Group date #2 was a riot solely because it required all the ladies to show off their strength (or in some cases, weakness). Colton’s all “you don’t have to be the fittest person to be my wife”, so I don’t really understand the purpose of this date (especially because Nicole gets the group date rose even though she can barely lift the rose itself). Nicole became my automatic favorite when she said, “I’m not the most athletic of the bunch… but I walk my dog!”. Girl, you are my spirit animal.

Catherine was surprisingly fit during all of this (still no sign of Lucy), and then there was Onyeka, who was surprisingly mellow this week. She did run into the group date and immediately jump on Colton (surprised he didn’t duck) but that was about it. The whole “Bachelor’s Strongest Woman” theme was like, mildly entertaining, but I feel like there’s room for a better pun here. If I think of one, I’ll let you know. At this point, I’ve consumed a large quantity of wine.

Nicole runs up to the wedding cake push (100 pound cake, really?) and takes her shirt off to distract from the fact that she’s about to fail massively. I’m about it though, gotta work with what you got. I’m not sure why any of these exercises are practical (the limo pull, really? Like maybe if your car breaks down and it’s 1930 and triple A doesn’t exist). Fred Willard agreed that this was dumb, but whatevs. Onyeka actually wins the whole shabang and assumes this guarantees her the date rose. Butttt Colton barely wants to kiss her when they celebrate their victory (while the other girls are pulling them in the limo LOL). He says some nice things about her later, but I truly do not believe that he is attracted to her. BIP, here she comes.

Now we see where the producers got the “girl being sent away in a car” edit that they’ve been teasing us with (by making us think it’s either Hannah Alabama or Caelynn in the car). Alas, it’s just Caitlin, who I didn’t really realize existed until this point. She’s SOOO cringey and shallow though. She’s all “I don’t have anything in my life that has stood out that I want to share with you…. But today was great”. Like really? Between the moment you were born until now, nothing has stood out? I’ll take some of whatever she’s smokin. Then she says, “my life has been like, good.” Wow, what an earth-shattering revelation. Colton tries to save the situation by asking her what she’s looking for (bad move), and I legit SPIT out my wine when she said, “I want someone who will go out with my friends and me and have a silly evening.” Wow, so deep. Not surprisingly, he sends her home, but what’s a riot is that she’s like “maybe he’ll send for me when he realizes I’m what he wants”. Yes Caitlin, he’s going to send for you in Canada because he realizes he wants to get silly with you and your friends. Not.

Sooo instead of a cocktail party, they decide to have a pool party. Everyone is freaking out over Colton being shirtless, and tbh I don’t really get it. I mean don’t get me wrong, boy has a nice bod, but I don’t think it’s as bangin’ as people are making it out to be. The pageant girls fight a bunch (I’m NOT loving this story line tbh, it’s boring), calling each other manipulative, dishonest, and OMG god forbid, MEAN! Onyeka is sad because she had something special planned for Colton but didn’t have time for it, and I’m SO relieved. I don’t care what it was, I don’t want to see it. We finally see the Hannah-monster roaring scene and it’s somehow even worse than I expected. I found this on Reddit and it gave me LIFE:

Hannah B. from thebachelor

Colton sends Nina (who?), Catherine (& Lucy, RIP), and Bri home. I LOLed when Catherine was like, “this has been fun! Nice meeting you!” while all the other girls are like OMG I HOPE U FIND UR PERSON. UR AMAZE. Colton tells Bri to keep being her, which is a riot considering she faked an accent. The true winner of this week is Hannah G because she didn’t have to go on either of these weird ass group dates and still gets a rose. Way to go Hannah G.

Also, ICYMI, Cassie and Caelynn are alllllll over each other’s Instagrams. The two seem to have gotten very close during filming, which makes me think they’ll both be around for a while. I wonder how Hannah Alabama copes with all of this.

I’ll leave you all with this: Demi’s 10-year challenge. Dear GOD, this girl is young.

Demi’s actual pre-teen 10 year challenge 😂 #ilovethat from r/thebachelor

This is a guest post created by Megan McCormack. These thoughts represent their feelings about the show & are not an indication of Bach Bracket’s feelings. If you’d like to write for Bach Bracket, e-mail us at [email protected]