Bachelor

Bach Breakdown: Colton Episode 5

Hi Bachelor fam! I’m so sorry that there was no update last week. I came down with a winter plague of sorts and was v corpse-like for the whole week. I lost 7 pounds but of course put that back on as soon as I was able to eat again, so basically nothing good came out of it. My apologies for the sadness that my missing update may have filled some of you with. Hopefully this week’s makes up for it 🙂

The beginning of the week’s episode was a total shocker; Colton in the shower! Oh wait, that’s a very normal occurrence. They’ve shown him in the shower so often now that I’m not even phased anymore, which is a really sad reality for me, but here we are.

Heather getting the one-on-one wasn’t shocking to me, but I also really am not her biggest fan. She reminds me of one of those inflatable dancing things that you see outside of car lots. I know that’s a little mean, but try to get that image out of your head now. Oh wait, you can’t.

via GIPHY

I love that they show her brushing her teeth before the date. Her job is still “Never Been Kissed” which is just a hoot. I found her on LinkedIn (lol professional sluething) and she’s listed as being an Assistant Program Manager at manufacturing company. Honestly, “Never Been Kissed” actually sounds like a more appealing title compared to that. I’m guessing she won’t be going back to that job after this though, very few women on this show do.

When she met up with Colton on the beach, she jumped up onto him & wrapped her legs around him. It made me think a blonde spider monkey had appeared and latched onto him, but I digress. They go to a floating island which is cool, but the whole time I feel like Colton is babysitting some flirty blonde child. Well, I thought he was the more mature one until he asked her “do you blow kisses?” and then I realized there’s no one mature on this date. Colton gets vvvv deep with her when they’re sitting on the pier, astutely reflecting “these rocks, the greenery, it’s nice.” Mind. Blown. Heather of course responds “tehehehehe ya!” and then stares at him with “PLS KISS ME” thirst eyes that really make me doubt she hasn’t been kissed.

SOOO even more surprising than the fact that she hasn’t been kissed is the fact that she apparently was in an EIGHT MONTH relationship relatively recently and that nothing happened during that time. I seriously cannot wrap my mind around this. Like what did they do? Hold hands? I suppose we’ll never know. Maybe I can find his LinkedIn, too.

Not surprisingly the producer line it up “perfectly” for Colton to pop Heather’s kiss cherry on the beach with fireworks going off in the background. TBH I found this whole scene very awkward but whatevs, at least it’s done (we knew it would happen). Heather’s occupation changes to “has been kissed” lol and she screams “I have kissed a boy” – Wait, is this 4th grade? Because that’s what it sounds like. My first kiss happened when I was in kindergarten or something. I was playing in the sandbox and some boy knocked my sand castle over, and then I kissed him out of spite. That’s how it should happen, 10000%.

Now I’m a lil sad that Elyse is clearly not handling her shit. I’m not sure if she hasn’t watched the show before, but I’m not entirely sure why she thinks there’s another one-on-one in the cards for her this early on. But I digress. The fact that she gets DOLLED the f**k up to go break Colton’s heart is some serious goal energy. I’m really sad to see her go, but everything she’s saying is 10000% valid, minus the fact that she goes, “can i steal you for a minute?” when she appears on his door. This is not a cocktail party Elyse, you have approached the man in his home and it’s just you two. BUT basically she wants a normal relationship which makes 2000% sense because she is not crazypants like most of the other women here. I respect the fact that she can’t accept a proposal unless it’s been a legit relationship SO HARD. This means she’ll never be the bachelorette which is sad but I’ll live. Colton going “I don’t give up on relationships” made me want to scream WELL WHAT HAPPENS EVERY TIME YOU SEND A GIRL HIM YA DOOFUS?! Also, TIA?! Anyways, poor Colton is all “for someone to just give up on me, just give up on us” – and I’m like she’s not giving up on you, she’s realizing that this whole situation is absolutely bonkers and someone would have to be out of their mind to accept a proposal from you after you’ve been sucking the faces of 15+ girls for a few months…. But whatevs. Bye Elyse, I’ll miss ur sane self (and ur gorgeous skin, pls feel free to slide those skincare deets into my DMs).

So one thing that weirdly was not addressed at all this episode was WTF happened to Kirpa’s chin. Of course I had to do some googling as soon as I saw it to find out, and the real story is REALLY funny. Here’s a YouTube vid of the deleted footage:

 

Also, Kirpa is HILARIOUS. WHY are we not seeing more of her? We need justice for Kirpa’s chin. This is like Lucy the pom 2.0. #justiceforchirpaschin2019

This jungle date is v v v weird, but like whatever not surprising at all. It looks hot as fuq there, and I was just waiting for the girls’ faces to start melting off. Muahaha. Demi seemed so over it from the moment they got there. Joe the jungle man is all out to show these fools how to survive in the jungle, which is a lost cause (but don’t tell him that). Hannah B throwing that grub back like a shot was a HOOT. I was impressed, but also a little sad that she feels like she needs to eat bugs to get this boy’s attention.

Demi and the Hannahs sneaking off to get drunk and stuff their faces gave me more life than anything else on this show ever has. I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m tempted to do every. damn. day. during my lunch break at work. Demi going “These other ladies can suck maggots, but me I’m drinking champagne” is some fierce af energy and I’m HERE for it. If Colton eliminates her, can we still keep her around for shits and gigs? Also, can you imagine if she and Jordan Kimball got together on BIP or something? THAT WOULD BE A HOOT. She would probably show up to Jenna’s house with a knife, gotta protect her man!

I’m pleasantly surprised by how bold Tayshia has become, because I’m pretty sure she didn’t make a peep until the one-on-one last week. I know I missed doing a recap last week, but I did take notes when I watched, and my main note on their date was OMG HE SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL WHEN HE JUMPED. OMG TAYSHIA SAID HE SOUNDED LIKE A GIRL. OMG THIS IS GOLD. Also I asked “what is a phlebotomist”? And it turns out, it’s someone who is trained to draw blood from a patient (mostly from veins) for clinical or medical testing, transfusions, donations, or research. So, yeah. There’s that.

When they get to the lil jungle after party, Demi stirs the pot sooooo hard with Onyeka and gets her to go talk shit about Nicole to Colton. Ooooo and it turns out not to be real. Love that shit (not). Nicole cries a lot obvi because I’m pretty sure that’s all she does. Hannah B gets the rose for this because she told him she’s falling in love with him, but in reality he’s just keeping her around in case there’s a zombie apocalypse.

Soooo remember earlier this season when I said I was pretty sure Cassie and Heather knew each other from college? It def seems like these girls are close on the show, butttt after some Insta-sleuthing I confirmed that they did indeed know each other before this. Peep Heather’s comment on Cassie’s insta:

Cassie Randolph Instagram

BOOM. More outside connections. This season is weird like that.

Speaking of Cassie, her one-on-one with Colton was the polar opposite of Heather’s. For starters, they’re hanging out on what appears to be a private sandbar (not an island) and just sucking face the whole time. Like seriously, they do not come up for air. At one point he grabs her ass and I was like well, he definitely would not have done that to Heather.

Colton’s all like “this is an amazing first date” yes, but have you come up for air at all? Unlike all of the other dates, Cassie doesn’t have some crazy revelation for him. Hers is just “ya I’m not a virgin” well no shit you’re not, I think he can tell from the way you’ve been kissing him. When Colton said “my gut and my heart is telling me to just go all in” I was like all in to… her? I think your penis is telling you that actually. But alas, I do think they’re really cute together, even though she’s probably too good for him.

ICYMI, Cassie is also the subject of another reality tv show that is airing right now, called “Young Once”. She’s been getting a lot of neg pub because of it, and her ex (who she is with while they were filming Young Once) posted about it on Insta. Here’s the post:

Credit: @Caelan Tiongson

I’m posting this here so no words can be misconstrued. As many know, my ex girlfriend is currently a contestant on the tv show The Bachelor. The both of us have also appeared on a documentary series called Young Once. The show catches you up on our lives as the first season was shot at Biola University while we were still going to school there. They happened to catch the closing of mine and Cassie’s on and off relationship during the recording of this show. Make no mistake that Young Once was filmed before The Bachelor, and the fact that they are airing at the same time is a strategy to attract viewers. Both Cassie and I made mistakes in our relationship, but I think we’d both agree it dragged out much too long anyways. This is because I persistently pursued a reunion and she knowingly kept the door open at times because of indecisiveness, neither of which matters because it has been over for good since before she went on The Bachelor. However, it can be said without a doubt that her and I were not a fit for each other. Also, I’m sure there are millions of breakups that have lasted longer than they should have and nobody should be held at fault for that. The reality of the situation is that Cassie is a great girl. Her decision to go on The Bachelor was a decisive moment in my life to move forward so why couldn’t it serve as that for her as well? If I met my dream girl a month after our final closing this summer that would just be how God had it planned for me. Nobody has the right to tell her whether or not she has good intentions. So although the full truth may not be out…not everybody’s business needs to be on reality tv. Cassie will eventually explain her side and I endorse whatever she says because there is no reason for her to hide the truth. I wish her nothing but success and happiness moving forward. I post this because of the outlets who reached out to hear “my side” and because I heard Cassie was receiving a lot of negativity for our past relationship. I thought this would be the best way to preserve the truth and encourage the trolls to check themselves before tearing down a good human being. Life is about moving forward, not dwelling on the past 👍

Gentlemen, if any of you are reading this, this is an example of a v classy man.

Anywho, this cocktail party was boring af with more drama from people who I’ve now deemed irrelevant. I’ve never liked Onyeka (someone needs to give her some brow tutorials, just an FYI) and Nicole is now annoying and whiny to me. Love Tayshia’s lantern idea, this girl really is a dark horse. I suspect she’ll be around for a while, which I’m ok with. The way he kisses Demi is really awkward, it moreso looks like he’s sticking his face out while she plants attack kisses on him. Thennnn there’s Kirpa… who is inspecting the inside of Colton’s mouth. Not with her tongue, but with her literal hands and make-shift dental tools. You do you Kirpa, at least it got you some screen time (because apparently messing your chin up wasn’t enough).

One thing that really stood out to me (and there wasn’t much) in this whole Onyeka vs Nicole debate was Onyeka saying “I would never call someone mentally unstable” to Colton, and then to the cameras: “Nicole is literally a psycho”. While they’re not the exact same saying… they’re close enough. I really hope he just sends both of them home. I feel bad for Nicole, but I also think a woman who claims she is being bullied probably doesn’t have what it takes to handle life in the public eye post-Bachelor life. Better she just leave now.

SO ABC PULLED ONE OF THOSE GARBAGE THINGS WHERE WE DON’T GET A ROSE CEREMONY and I’M BEYOND HEATED. Ugh, what trash. The powers that be really did us dirty on this one, but whatevers. I don’t think this week was particularly remarkable, but hey, at least Caelynn and Hannah B are done fighting.

That’s about all I have for this week, but I’ll leave you all with this gem:

 

Credit: @Colton S. Underwood
Nailed it!

This is a guest post created by Megan McCormack. These thoughts represent their feelings about the show & are not an indication of Bach Bracket’s feelings. If you’d like to write for Bach Bracket, e-mail us at [email protected]